Spring is in the air. I love the excitement that comes with this season. The excitement of change, warm sun rays, and summer vacation. I for one, am ready for a break. Life is so fast paced. Take my blog for example, I haven't posted in over a year. Many of you who read my blog, (no one), are probably wondering what's been going on in my life. Or what the deal is with AB.. (yes I no longer say his name)... Well you're in luck, because this post may include that very thing.
Let's go over why I haven't posted in over a year. It's true, life has been busy, nursing school is no joke. However, I felt like every time I sat down to blog I couldn't explain what was going on in my life. I no longer had the desire to talk about AB and what was happening. It drained me emotionally. Not to mention, it all sounded the same. But, buckle up, this is the story of AB. I will try to keep it short.
AB left on his mission in August of 2011.. He wrote me a letter in September of 2011. I wrote him for 16 months, until one day I realized I needed to walk away. Everyone who knows anything about me knows how much I love/loved AB. I would do anything for that man... But you see, that's the problem. I couldn't see how much more I deserved- not only from him, but from myself. I struggle with letting go. I always wanted to be there for him because I knew what it was like when he wasn't there for me. How much can someone give without getting anything in return though? It was hard and it is still hard. It hits me at unexpected times. It suffocates me, literally- I can't breathe right and the tears come. I'm grateful that it occurs less frequently, nonetheless, it still happens.
I did meet someone who helped me have these "episodes" less frequently, which is quite an accomplishment because I've been struggling for a couple years now. I will call him E... E, I feel, was an answer to my prayers. Even though he started out as a distraction from the hurt I was feeling, he ended up being so much more than I expected. E helped dull the ache and I no longer felt sad. I found myself wanting to be around him. I started to love everything about him. I loved that I was motivated to do and be better because of his greatness. He made me smile and made me laugh. I loved that he spoke Russian, I loved his hands, his dimples, and his beard. His eyes are to die for, and he's got the sweetest, kindest heart. E, gave me something to look forward to, and I had not had that in a long time.
I was able to experience many things because of E... I got to use a cookie like a straw (doesn't work with Oreos, don't try it ;)), got to see the Jazz beat the Heat, I finally got that kiss in the rain, and I learned a little bit of Russian, sue-muh-shed-she (crazy), I know. In life.. lots of things can surprise you.. E was definitely unexpected.
A lot of things in this life are unexpected. I worry so much about the future, but in all reality, worrying does me no good. I don't need to worry myself with so many things, when the only thing that is truly needful are the simple things; people who love you, people to love, tulips, sunshine, and of course the gospel.
Like I said, I struggle at letting things go. Life is much like trying to learn how to ride a bike. Knowing when to have someone hold on to you and allowing them to let go. I feel, part of becoming a spiritually mature and responsible adult is learning to differentiate between these times. If there's anything I've learned within this year, it's that I've realized that by letting go of the fear and worry, I could open myself up to the love of the Savior, and really trust in Him. Trusting in Him gives me peace in knowing that things will work out for the best. I've learned that taking timeout for the Tulips and Sunshine to simplify one's life is good for the soul.
