Defeated

Reality- it's slapping me in the face. I'm hoping that as I start talking about it, and I'm brutally honest with what I feel, I will start to heal. As everyone knows, I was in love with a man named Ammon Blauer, he was probably the biggest part of my life for more than a year. The reason we broke up is still undefined- he says it was because he had to serve a mission and he had to focus on that, and I don't have anything against that. However, you would think I would still mean something to him. Well it's been a little shy of seven months and I have been shown how little I actually mean to him.

When we first broke up I never pictured us falling away from each other, I always thought that we meant too much to each other to let that happen. Reality soon let me know other wise. Not only was I ignored but I was told that I couldn't be a part of his life. One thing about me is that I don't like giving up on what I want, I'm very determined. So it's taken me a very long time to let reality catch up with me, I was so caught up with my love for this one man, that I always expected I still meant something to him. He would tell me that he wasn't going to let me know about his mission call, but I never actually believed that he was being serious. He said that he would post it on Facebook and I could find out that way, but a little part of myself believed that he would let me know by email. 

Well June 27th came along and as I was on Facebook I had the strongest feeling to check his page. Sure enough he had gotten his mission call and it said that he would be opening it at 8:00 p.m.  I congratulated him and I was so excited for him. Yet I was crushed. I don't know why I was crushed, he told me he wouldn't tell me personally, so it shouldn't have been a surprise right? I guess when exciting things happen in my life, the first person that I think about is him and I wish that he were there to experience it with me. Once again I was hurt. I had to look at his Facebook page later that night to find out where he will be going, and the Lord will be sending him to Louisville Kentucky to teach the gospel in spanish on August 8th. I've never been so excited for someone. 

Most days I find myself stuck thinking and rethinking the relationship, and it drives me crazy. The mistakes that we made, the things that happened. I wish that I would have acted differently, been better for him so that I would be someone that he would want to fight for. We found ourselves down a road that we didn't want to be on and the only thing that we could do was try and find our way back, and he made it clear that we had to do it on our own. So we did what we had to do, we chose our own path to make it back. As I paved my path, I kept him in sight, never forgetting him. But the problem with that, was that he was walking away, forgetting me. As he moved on, I was holding on to hope and love- remembering only the good. This has made me appreciate what we had. 

As I sit here, all I can think of is how much I miss him. I miss sitting on the tramp with him and talking for hours, laying on the grass looking at the sky or the stars, I miss his hands. The way they would hold mine or how they would so gently brush away my tears. I miss his laughter and how it filled a room. I miss his reassuring words. I miss laying on his chest. I miss how we could be doing absolutely nothing but still be having the best time. I miss watching movies with him. I miss cuddling with him. I miss how when he would hug me, he wouldn't let me go until I made him. I miss his eyes. I miss how he would sneak kisses from me when we were with a group of people. I miss his sincerity. More than anything, I miss his kindness and how he cared about me. I miss late night phone calls. I miss the look that he got, right before he told me he loved me. I miss the plans that we had. I miss being loved. 

So this post is me looking back at the things that I miss and wanting more than anything, to spend one more day with him. I may be pathetic for wanting this, but at least I'm being honest with myself, and I'm hoping that honesty will bring me to what I'm searching most for right now, and thats understanding.