"A Moment"

People say that life has a funny way of kicking you when you're down... Dear life, please quit kicking. Lately I've had a very hard time trying to understand my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I know we all must go through trials, I know we all must have faith in His timing, but I feel like a little girl that has waited all year for Christmas, only to wake up and find there are no presents to unwrap and no celebration.

I just need a moment.. A moment of clarity... A moment of perspective. A moment where I feel some direction and purpose for all of this heartache. I never really realized how much I had been waiting for this month, until it came, realization hit, and those hidden clouds started pouring rain... And because of the rain, I felt pathetic. Why must I feel like I'm stuck in the same spot... AGAIN?! What is the purpose in this? I've tried finding higher ground, telling myself I'm alright... telling myself I didn't need the acknowledgment.. But in all reality, it sucks.

Don't get me wrong.. I work at Primary Children's Medical Center.. I see people that have it way worse than me every day... I know I shouldn't complain. But my heart is heavy... and I feel the trials of life, now, probably more than ever. I'm tired... I know that as I turn in prayer and as I keep living the way I should, clarity will come and peace will be given. I just needed "a moment" to let out my frustration. If I've learned anything, I've learned that everything is eventually going to be alright.

In His Time

Decisions. I've never been good at making decisions. To my surprise, I was accepted to Weber's RN program, as well as Snow's. There are pro's and con's to each, I've thought a lot about it, and yet here I sit, undecided. I thought if I tried out for the cheer squad at Weber, and made the team, that my decision would be made.

I did decide to tryout, so that's good I guess ;). I drove to Ogden yesterday, got there by 4, and the clinic was supposed to go until 7. I walked out around 5:30... It's a long story, but as I stood in this gym surrounded by people I did not know, I thought, "What are you doing here?"... "Do you really want to do this?"... "Will you really have time for this?"... I was very uneasy and I can't explain the feeling that I had next, but it was one of clarity. 

Clarity that I could have gathered from the blessing my father had given me a couple nights previous. As I stood there thinking about the answers to these questions I was asking myself, the words that were spoken through that blessing came through my mind once again. Particularly the portion of the blessing that told me to not "run faster or labor more than I had the strength and means provided"... Which later I referred to the scripture D&C 10:4, one of my favorites. 

It's crazy to me how in His time, answers come, direction is provided, and peace is given. Earlier this week I was really struggling... I felt overwhelmed with the changes taking place in my life, and looking back and seeing how much things have remained the same. E brought the unexpected change.

For the past 5 months, E had been a part of my life. For 5 months I was given something/someone to look forward to, which I will forever be grateful for. I had been eased from the hurt/anxiety I had constantly felt from AB, and was given someone that made me happy. So it was overwhelming for me when E and I quit talking, and I realized that things in life can change so suddenly. 

Change is good I suppose. Whenever there is change, there is bound to be growth, because one learns to adapt and to look at the bigger picture. Today I'm looking at the bigger picture. I'm realizing that in His time, all good things will come, and peace and direction will be given. 

"Faith in God, include Faith in His Timing."

Perspective Through Wise Words

"The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away."

"Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person."

-Gloria Steinem-

"Trust your struggle"

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.

Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes. (which it will)

Being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way. (which it won't)"

-James Baraz-

"Smile, things will work out. You may not see it now, but just know God is directing you to a much greater happiness."

'Letting go doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you stop trying to force others to...."

-Mandy Hale-

"You are exactly WHO & WHAT & WHERE you are supposed to be and you are lovely."

(anything else would be just plain ridiculous)

Today I'm frustrated and confused with how things have been working out. I've been told I'm "young" and that makes me feel real inadequate.. After having many conversations with my sisters and thinking about things, I'm done being ok with less than I deserve and being treated like I mean so little. I'm done worrying about the "what could be's" , and I'm focusing on me. I'm finished wishing things could be different and I'm embracing how my life is at this exact moment. I'm deciding to be happy with the now and enjoying the journey as it comes, because life is beautiful and there's always something to be grateful for. 

Tulips and Sunshine

Spring is in the air. I love the excitement that comes with this season. The excitement of change, warm sun rays, and summer vacation. I for one, am ready for a break. Life is so fast paced. Take my blog for example, I haven't posted in over a year. Many of you who read my blog, (no one), are probably wondering what's been going on in my life. Or what the deal is with AB.. (yes I no longer say his name)... Well you're in luck, because this post may include that very thing.

Let's go over why I haven't posted in over a year. It's true, life has been busy, nursing school is no joke. However, I felt like every time I sat down to blog I couldn't explain what was going on in my life. I no longer had the desire to talk about AB and what was happening. It drained me emotionally. Not to mention, it all sounded the same. But, buckle up, this is the story of AB. I will try to keep it short.

 AB left on his mission in August of 2011.. He wrote me a letter in September of 2011. I wrote him for 16 months, until one day I realized I needed to walk away. Everyone who knows anything about me knows how much I love/loved AB. I would do anything for that man... But you see, that's the problem. I couldn't see how much more I deserved- not only from him, but from myself. I struggle with letting go. I always wanted to be there for him because I knew what it was like when he wasn't there for me. How much can someone give without getting anything in return though? It was hard and it is still hard. It hits me at unexpected times. It suffocates me, literally- I can't breathe right and the tears come. I'm grateful that it occurs less frequently, nonetheless, it still happens.

I did meet someone who helped me have these "episodes" less frequently, which is quite an accomplishment because I've been struggling for a couple years now. I will call him E... E, I feel, was an answer to my prayers. Even though he started out as a distraction from the hurt I was feeling, he ended up being so much more than I expected. E helped dull the ache and I no longer felt sad. I found myself wanting to be around him. I started to love everything about him. I loved that I was motivated to do and be better because of his greatness. He made me smile and made me laugh. I loved that he spoke Russian, I loved his hands, his dimples, and his beard. His eyes are to die for, and he's got the sweetest, kindest heart. E, gave me something to look forward to, and I had not had that in a long time.

I was able to experience many things because of E... I got to use a cookie like a straw (doesn't work with Oreos, don't try it ;)), got to see the Jazz beat the Heat, I finally got that kiss in the rain, and I learned a little bit of Russian, sue-muh-shed-she (crazy), I know. In life.. lots of things can surprise you.. E was definitely unexpected.

A lot of things in this life are unexpected. I worry so much about the future, but in all reality, worrying does me no good. I don't need to worry myself with so many things, when the only thing that is truly needful are the simple things; people who love you, people to love, tulips, sunshine, and of course the gospel.

Like I said, I struggle at letting things go. Life is much like trying to learn how to ride a bike. Knowing when to have someone hold on to you and allowing them to let go. I feel, part of becoming a spiritually mature and responsible adult is learning to differentiate between these times. If there's anything I've learned within this year, it's that I've realized that by letting go of the fear and worry, I could open myself up to the love of the Savior, and really trust in Him. Trusting in Him gives me peace in knowing that things will work out for the best. I've learned that taking timeout for the Tulips and Sunshine to simplify one's life is good for the soul.

Forward.

Life, whether we like it or not, is always moving forward. Another year has come and gone. I've found myself thinking about this past year and where it has led me, and for a second I was so discouraged, because I felt as if I had not progressed in any way. And then I got to thinking... I have come SO far.

The year 2012 has brought me many trials. I remember moments when I thought no more tears were left to cry, but yet I was always left with a river of them running down my face. It was the kind of crying that would leave me gasping for air, my eyes burning, and my skin dry and stinging. I spent hours on my knees in prayer, searching for peace, direction, and understanding. This being said, I also experienced moments of uncontrollable laughter and happiness beyond belief.

Although 2012 brought with it immeasurable amounts of heartache, I was also able to grow as an individual. I was able to finish a semester full of 26 credits, and gladly to say, I passed all of my classes. Throughout that semester I drove four hours or more each day to get from college to college. These drives mostly consisted of tears rolling down my face and me reflecting upon all that was happening in my life. When I would get home, and my mom would see my face, she would always ask me what was going on. She never failed to let me know that I was loved, and her advice she gave freely. In these moments I am most thankful for my family. Each one of them have had their own hand in helping me through this year, and I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

I guess 26 was a significant number to me this year, because I registered to run my first full marathon, the Utah Valley Marathon. 26.2 miles of nonstop running. I was SO excited because I was able to run this marathon with my gorgeous sister and one of my best friends. Tana and I got too much bonding time as we pounded out miles on end in training. The views that we had while running mile after mile is indescribable, but I can say, nature is INCREDIBLE. If I don't take into consideration the 30 plus mph wind facing us the whole way, or the fact that I got a blister the size of a fifty cent piece on my foot, or maybe the fact that I cried 13.1 miles into it and couldn't find my composure, it was FANTASTIC! Can't wait for the opportunity to run my next one.

In short, it was a year full of growth. I was able to serve as the Relief Society president in my Cedar City ward. I had the opportunity of receiving my Patriarchal blessing, which brought me peace and direction at a time when I needed it most. I went on my first actual flight to Florida and vacationed there with my family, as well as competed in HOSA (Health Occupation Students of America), where to my surprise I took second in the national competition. I ran the Red Rock Relay, two half marathons, a full marathon, and 15 or so miles of the St. George marathon.

Throughout this year I learned so much. I learned that I can love deeply without expecting anything in return. I learned that I can be mentally strong, something that I thought was beyond my reach. I have gained such a strong testimony for the gospel of Jesus Christ, and an even stronger appreciation for the atonement and the blessings that come along with it. I have learned of the importance of faith and the peace that it can bring. I know that our Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when He sent us here to earth. I know that He created a perfect plan, so that we could return to him someday.

I gained a stronger testimony for the importance of eternal families, because of the loss of Max Lowell Sampson, who's sweet spirit we WILL meet someday. Along with this experience I learned, and have so much faith in the certainty that our Heavenly Father has great things in store for each of his children.

He knows my name and He knows what is best for me, my life is in the greatest of hands. And last of all, I learned that life is always moving forward; no matter the trial we may be facing, or the challenges that arise, it is always, and continually moving forward, and everything will be ok. So wherever life may lead me and whatever storms I may have to wait out, I will smile and know that life is moving forward, and I will be alright.

Living Life

Life is not a race- but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and "great job" to someone each day. Go to church and take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshakes mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, it is not accidental- search for your purpose and do it as best as you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself- plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment.

Bonnie L. Moyr

Welcoming December

Where has time gone. I for one, cannot believe that it's already December. It's that time of year again; where malls are crowded, towns are lit up, and everyone is wishing for snow. Everywhere I go I can hear Christmas music playing and children so very excited, waiting for Santa's arrival. This is a magical time of year, where one can imagine anything that they want and have the hope that it will happen. Having two nieces makes it even more amazing.

Every year I always have something that I want or that I cannot do without. That's why it was such a surprise to me when this year, I couldn't really think of anything extraordinary that I wanted... that could be bought anyway. So this Christmas is going to be different for me, I can already sense it.

How can I sense this? Because I have a greater appreciation for everything in my life, and the many wonderful people that have influenced me. As I look back over the past year, I can't help but feel joy for the things that I've had to overcome. I'm not saying that my life has been harder than anyone else's by any means, all I'm saying is that everyone struggles and everyone reacts differently to what has been placed before them. I feel that this year has been filled with trials, and I often find myself thinking that I'm in the same spot in life, and that's when I look back and I can see how far I have come. I can see how much I have grown.

I have never had to do so much soul searching... ever. I've come to know for myself just how much my Savior loves me and how infinite his Atonement is for all of us. I see my Heavenly Father's hand in my life, and I know that He will bless me with everything that He sees fit to bless me with, if I have faith. I know the importance of timing and patience. I know how much I am loved. I will be forever thankful that my family is an eternal family. I wouldn't know what I would do without them, they are my everything.

This year, I'm welcoming December with a greater appreciation of everything that's aruond me, especially the Man that's the reason for the season.

Bitter Sweet

Life is bitter sweet. I am overwhelmed every day by how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and knows the desires of my heart. Don't worry I'll get to the topic of my post, just hang tight, but for the past nine months or so, I have felt that my life has been a constant trial- every time I thought it was almost over and things were about to get easier, I was knocked to the ground and left feeling weaker than I ever have.

 In these times of struggle I have come to know things about myself that I never knew before. I have come to have a tremendous love for my Savior and my Eternal Heavenly Father. I have come to rely on the power of prayer. I have learned to appreciate things more. I have grown to love the scriptures. I have learned that happiness depends upon me and I have developed a love for life, that it's overwhelming. I have learned that I'm a very forgiving person.

This being said, I know that prayers are answered. I can't remember the last time I said a prayer where I didn't ask my Heavenly Father to help soften Ammon's heart so that he would be willing to talk to me. I remember one night praying harder than I ever had in my life. I prayed that something would help him see how much I needed him to talk to me.

I got to say goodbye to him. I linger on our last moments together, they were perfect really. I got to be in his arms one last time and I was able to hear his voice- something that I so easily took for granted. I remember our last conversation, the words that were exchanged, and I will always remember it. I remember standing there as he drove away and being left with a marvelous feeling of peace. So bitter sweet.

I have experienced things  in my life that I never would have imagined I would have to go through. However, I believe that my Heavenly Father has had a purpose in giving me the trials that I have had, I have learned and I have grown and become so much closer to Him through them. My experiences have been bitter sweet.

Finding Balance

How time is flying. For the last little while I have tried to shut out the future and all of the worries, wonders, and baggage that it may hold- it has just been easier that way. However, the last couple of days I have allowed my mind to wander there whenever it has wanted to, and I have come to find that the future holds much opportunity and growth. This being said I have come to realize that life is all about finding balance. 


It seems as though I have been somewhat unstable and staggering around on one foot. I am finding that the more I focus my attention on one single item in my life, the easier it is for me to walk without a wobble to my step. I understand now that I cannot concentrate on all of the clutter. Clutter does no one any good, and eventually if I concentrate on becoming my best self and organizing my life with one goal in mind, then the clutter will sort itself out. 


If I'm focused on becoming my best self, I will obtain everything I want to in this life. I will become stronger and more self-reliant. I will continue to be worthy to enter the temple and obtain a temple recommend. I will no longer allow myself to be unhappy, because I have too much to be happy for. I will no longer worry over things in which I have no control. I will be a better example. I will be a better daughter. I will be a better sister. I will have more faith in every aspect, including my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I will appreciate simple moments and not take anything for granted and one day my prince will come. But I want him to know that he can take his time, because I'm trying to pull my life together ha :)


I need to be more optimistic. Everything is going to be ok. I have so much to look forward to and I have so much life ahead of me. I have time for preparation. I have time to serve others, time to become my best self and to find balance within my life. I found a very awesome quote in a general conference talk. "Why worry about future calamities or uncertainties over which you have no control? Your righteous character magnifies the probability that you will never have to suffer them. When challenges and testing do come, your faith will lead you to solutions. Your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend upon your trust in Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. Right will ultimately prevail. It will yield blessings now as you in faith obey the commandments of God. Remember and unfailing, continual, ever-present source of peace and comfort is available to you. It is the certainty that your Father in Heaven loves you no matter what your circumstance, no matter what winds of trial, turmoil, or tribulation whirl about you. That certainty will never change. Your ability to access that support depends on the strength of your faith in Him and in His certain willingness to bless you." Richard G. Scott.


I'm simply worrying less and putting more faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. I'm finding balance. 

Defeated

Reality- it's slapping me in the face. I'm hoping that as I start talking about it, and I'm brutally honest with what I feel, I will start to heal. As everyone knows, I was in love with a man named Ammon Blauer, he was probably the biggest part of my life for more than a year. The reason we broke up is still undefined- he says it was because he had to serve a mission and he had to focus on that, and I don't have anything against that. However, you would think I would still mean something to him. Well it's been a little shy of seven months and I have been shown how little I actually mean to him.

When we first broke up I never pictured us falling away from each other, I always thought that we meant too much to each other to let that happen. Reality soon let me know other wise. Not only was I ignored but I was told that I couldn't be a part of his life. One thing about me is that I don't like giving up on what I want, I'm very determined. So it's taken me a very long time to let reality catch up with me, I was so caught up with my love for this one man, that I always expected I still meant something to him. He would tell me that he wasn't going to let me know about his mission call, but I never actually believed that he was being serious. He said that he would post it on Facebook and I could find out that way, but a little part of myself believed that he would let me know by email. 

Well June 27th came along and as I was on Facebook I had the strongest feeling to check his page. Sure enough he had gotten his mission call and it said that he would be opening it at 8:00 p.m.  I congratulated him and I was so excited for him. Yet I was crushed. I don't know why I was crushed, he told me he wouldn't tell me personally, so it shouldn't have been a surprise right? I guess when exciting things happen in my life, the first person that I think about is him and I wish that he were there to experience it with me. Once again I was hurt. I had to look at his Facebook page later that night to find out where he will be going, and the Lord will be sending him to Louisville Kentucky to teach the gospel in spanish on August 8th. I've never been so excited for someone. 

Most days I find myself stuck thinking and rethinking the relationship, and it drives me crazy. The mistakes that we made, the things that happened. I wish that I would have acted differently, been better for him so that I would be someone that he would want to fight for. We found ourselves down a road that we didn't want to be on and the only thing that we could do was try and find our way back, and he made it clear that we had to do it on our own. So we did what we had to do, we chose our own path to make it back. As I paved my path, I kept him in sight, never forgetting him. But the problem with that, was that he was walking away, forgetting me. As he moved on, I was holding on to hope and love- remembering only the good. This has made me appreciate what we had. 

As I sit here, all I can think of is how much I miss him. I miss sitting on the tramp with him and talking for hours, laying on the grass looking at the sky or the stars, I miss his hands. The way they would hold mine or how they would so gently brush away my tears. I miss his laughter and how it filled a room. I miss his reassuring words. I miss laying on his chest. I miss how we could be doing absolutely nothing but still be having the best time. I miss watching movies with him. I miss cuddling with him. I miss how when he would hug me, he wouldn't let me go until I made him. I miss his eyes. I miss how he would sneak kisses from me when we were with a group of people. I miss his sincerity. More than anything, I miss his kindness and how he cared about me. I miss late night phone calls. I miss the look that he got, right before he told me he loved me. I miss the plans that we had. I miss being loved. 

So this post is me looking back at the things that I miss and wanting more than anything, to spend one more day with him. I may be pathetic for wanting this, but at least I'm being honest with myself, and I'm hoping that honesty will bring me to what I'm searching most for right now, and thats understanding. 

Enduring Ups and Downs to My Happily Ever After

My life... to say the least- has had major ups and downs. I feel like I'm running never ending rollercoaster hills.. the hills that are one after another.  I am learning that every uphill has a downhill, but every down hill means that a hill is waiting for me somewhere along the way. The downhill may be short, it may be long, but always, without fail, there is a hill ready to catch me by surprise. When I reach the top of a hill and I start to descend, my body is able to relax, I'm able to breathe easier, I'm able to have a positive attitude, and most the time I'm allowed time to recover.

The times that are the hardest, are always when the recovery times are short, the downhill is quick, and I haven't been able to catch my breath. Those are the times when my muscles burn, my lungs yearn for rest, and every positive thought seems to be  out of grasp- just beyond my reach. When these times come- I struggle. I wonder if I'll ever make it up the hill, doubt invades every thought and I question my strength. I may stop to rest and realize that the end is near. Sometimes however, pushing to the top is the hardest part. The very tip of a hill seems to be my weakness- that is when my leg muscles feel as though they can't go on. Feeling the burn... I know that they are getting stronger. The stronger I get, the easier the hill is to climb.

 I am running the rollercoaster of life, there will always be hills-whether the direction be up or down. I do not know the course, I have no clue how long these hills will be or how frequently I will experience them. I do know, however, that this course was designed specifically for me and I know that my course is being mapped and created by a loving Father who knows all. He will direct it in a way that will mold me into the person that I am supposed to be. My happily ever after is in the most perfect of hands. Knowing this, I am given strength, because I know each hill, is for my good. Each hill, has a purpose.

This gives me peace of mind on my journey to my happily ever after.

Poisoned Apples and Impossible Tasks

"Sometimes we need a reminder that life was never all sunshine and roses for fairy-tale princesses. Before the true love's kisses and happily ever afters, there came once upon a times of poisoned apples, spindle pricks, and impossible tasks. " - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

As I sit and ponder my life's experiences while I've been away at college, I can say that I have had my own taste of poisoned apples, spindle pricks, and impossible tasks. I have came to the verge of sitting down and giving up on this journey through life. I know that Satan is real and that he knows how to roll each of our poisoned apples in caramel to disguise the rotting beneath it. He knows how to trick and how to persuade. However, knowing this, I also know that Christ lives and that He loves us. I know without a doubt that He would never lead me on a path of destruction.

On my journey to finding "Happily Ever After" I have come to realize that I have trials. Trials are given to each one of us so that we may grow, learn, and become the people that we are supposed to become. Our "Happily Ever Afters" only come through understanding who we are and what we must become in order to become worthy of such a gift.

In every fairytale, the Princess must first overcome adversity to gain their happily ever after. For example, Cinderella must suffer long hours of servitude and ridicule. We all must experience sadness and trial. Relating this to running; I couldn't ever feel the satisfaction of running for a marathong if I didn't have the sweat to prove that I had worked hard to making sure that I could endure to the end.

I have learned that with adversity comes life lessons that I may have not learned otherwise. "Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials, so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy. I know that through this life I will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. Through overcoming challenges comes growth and strenth.

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself that will determine how our life's will develop."

God has created a map for me to get to my Happily Ever After, all I have to do is trust in my Heavenly Father, and trust him enough to follow His plan.

-it is how we proceed adversity that makes us who we are and what unravels our life's map.

I Love To See The Temple

Many words come to mind when I see the temple. As I get older I continue to love the temple more and more, and I cannot wait for the day when I will be able to go to the temple with the man that I love so dearly, and be sealed for time and all eternity.

Joy is one word that comes to my mind as I see the temple. Joy, because of the thought that I will be able to have Ammon, and the children that we will have someday, be with me and all mine forever.

The temple is my goal and my number one priority. I must always keep it in sight and never do anything to keep me from the blessings that come from it. It is the light in todays darkness, it is the beacon to many that are lost. I love the temple because of the promise of eternity. I can be with the ones that I love beyond this life.

I may not know many things, but the one thing that I am sure of is the fact of eternal families. When the time is right I will, one day, be able to go there with the one I love, and find the greatest joy in the blessings of this remarkable, heaven on earth. Therefore, I am Waiting on my Happily Ever After.